Naitome [Selfish]

[Naitome]

Naitome ("Nightmare")
Rank: A
Type: Offensive / Ninjutsu
Range: 10 Meters
Handseals: No!
Chakra: High [initial + upkeep]
Special: Completely disintegrates the first few layers of the opponents skin, and can over time work its way down to the subcutaneous tissue beneath, exposing the underlying musculature and causing overwhelming pain. Gathering of chakra takes one full turn to prep, during which time, the user cannot move anything other than their head (can still speak, move eyes, etc.). Can effect one opponent per use, plus one more each time retrained. Can extend for 10 meters per use, plus 1 additional meter each time retrained. Can be retrained a maximum of 5 times, chakra cost increases after every 2nd Retraining.
Description: The user summons the necessary energy, causing a malevolent aura of chakra visible to the naked eye to emanate from their entire body (often appearing like colored flame). This aura extends out rapidly after being gathered in an omnidirectional burst, but only travels a few meters. The unique and horrifying aspect of this technique is the highly specific damage it causes; any enemy caught within the expanded aura of chakra has the first few layers of their skin ripped off by the violent energy. This energy bypasses armor and clothing (unless that armor is chakra-based) and instead targets organic flesh, shredding it apart completely and continues to erode its way through the skin. With enough chakra poured into the technique, it can even leave the underlying musculature exposed as the victim suffers through unimaginable agony. Each turn after the initial that this technique is maintained, destroys additional layers of the skin. Opponents whose 'skin' might naturally be immune to such damage (i.e. Hozuki, Sunagami) instead suffer substantial blunt/concussive causing a knockback effect of 10 meters.
Domain: Ninjutsu, Akuharu Uchiha





Edits: Changes were made, in keeping with charge-times/handseals/ranked damage, etc.

[addy-hime ♥]

[1] You don't actually clarify, but by "first layer of skin" I will assume you mean the epidermis and not the stratum corneum. That being said, even if you ripped away all 4-5 layers of the epidermis you would not expose the opponent's muscles. Pain? Hell yes. Muscles? No.

[2] I'm not sure how I feel about this technique as a whole, to be honest. The concept seems a bit OP to me because this technique means sure death for anyone who can't magically regrow their skin. I'd like to see how other moderators feel about it, after the above has been edited.

[/justify]

[Naitome]

1. That was supposed to say 'layers' and i actually meant down to the subcutaneous tissue, but I'm gonna rework it slightly into something more manageable.


2. It's an A rank technique. It's supposed to be fatal. Getting hit with any A rank tech of...nearly anything else should also be sure death, if done right. Also; it takes longer than the typical A rank technique to be formed, has an incredibly short range, can be seen even by people without the ability to normally see chakra, requires me to stand still in order to charge it, etc.etc. There's a hundred different ways to avoid/counter/otherwise deal with this.

Edit: Has been tweaked.

[Exar Kun]

Learning this technique fives time allows you to emit a wave of chakra that travels 50 meters " near instantaneously" in every direction, flash-flaying the skin of up to 5 people within that radius.

No. lol

The concept itself is rather interesting, kudos for that, but I don't like it in its current incarnation,even with the restrictions that you've put on it. The technique reminds me of Barragon's Respira in a way, and I would prefer it to be more like that. So like, I don't mind that you can retrain this so that it has a ridiculously large radius, nor do I mind that it rips your flesh off, but I would prefer if the actual chakra-aura was more a "creeping death" thing and less of a "X-Ray flashh-vaporization" thing.

[Shinryu]

I myself think just putting a cap on the range it can travel would be sufficient.

That's just my $0.02 on the matter, although I'm not a blue, so it's up to them.

[Naitome]

Considering how long i have to stand still, and the fact that it can be seen once formed, i think a fast execution just makes it viable, but you're absolutely correct about the range thing. So I nerfed it so that each re-training only increases the range by 1 additional meter.

[addy-hime ♥]

[1] "and can over time work its way down to the subcutaneous tissue beneath" What does this mean, exactly? The technique seems to take effect on the target as soon as they're touched by it, and as a "wave" it doesn't stick around. So how do you quantify this time, and which targets have the skin stripped down to the muscle? I see that you have an upkeep cost listed there, but you don't really specify what happens to the opponents during that upkeep. I mean, say you've had to up for 4 turns.. does the damage just stop when it reaches muscle? How long until it gets to the subcutaneous? And, if it does take that much time to get through the dermis, why are the first few layers removed instantly?

[2] I see that you've lowered the amount of meters that the technique can travel upon being retrained, which is fine. But I would still rather you put a finite cap on how many times it can be retrained so that someone doesn't pump a bunch of EXP into it for a ridiculous range.

[3] I know that most of our databook techniques don't specifically say it, but I'd rather you mention how many times you can retrain before the chakra cost goes up. For 'A' rank techniques, that's 2 retrainings.

[/justify]

[Naitome]

1. The disintegrating effect is what's maintained by the chakra upkeep. As it is a wave that bursts out when first formed, that is the reason behind it burning through so many layers when first created; the wave itself is used to introduce the foreign eroding chakra into the body of the opponent, and if continuously fed, continues to seep through. As it states, after the initial forming, it destroys one layer of skin completely each turn, and if you require a more thorough term-laden breakdown, i can provide one.

[/i] (DCE). The epidermis in its entirety is removed in this manner, though as the chakra is now at the topmost layer of what used to be the opponents skin, it is ready to receive further chakra in order to increase the vibrational speed of the DCE, and repeat the same process, through the only known examples of three dimensional organic tessellation. This honeycomb-like disintegration pattern is reinforced by the continuous application of the users chakra, which is no longer emitted in wave form, but instead, is broadcast in a manner more similar to a biological variation of the split-capacitance oscillator model found in mechanics, albeit more stable than a Vackář oscillator. (With chakra amplitude replacing traditional voltage, and the remaining dermis functioning as the 'grid') continued spiritual resonance acts as an additional capacitive 'voltage' divider on the 'grid', where further input reduces the feedback exponentially, but with a reverse ingenuity towards the normal. This, of course, is the reason that once the DCE has reached the subcutaneous tissue, it can no longer continue to pierce through additional layers, as subsequent movement through the collagen, elastic tissue, and reticular fibers are far too dependent on the forward transconductance of the resonant frequency to maintain their ultimate destructive force.
[/ul]

That just seemed like alot to type to put into a jutsu description.

2. Editing.

3. Editing.




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[addy-hime ♥]

It is quite a lot. However, as a personal technique it will only be used by you; we have to have the best explanation possible to regulate it during a battle. That being said, so long as it's explained here you don't need to flesh out the description more. We can refer back to here if there are questions.

I think, given the drawbacks of the technique, I'm alright with it. 1/3 unless any other mod has a pressing concern.

[/justify]

[vegapunk]

Scary stuff but its been modded correctly. 2/3

[Exar Kun]

3/3