A New Fang

[Forsaken]

Man-Beast Ultimate Taijutsu: Kadoukiba (Vortex Fang)
Rank: S
Type: Taijustu
Range: up to 25 meters
Handseals: no
Chakra: Massive
Special: creates a vortex 15 meters wide capable of drawing in anything within 25 meters, user must first mark the target with Dynamic Marking due to being unable to see during rotation, can be retrained to be sustained for an extra turn for up to 3 turns at the cost of High chakra each turn, will deafen and slice apart enemies caught in the center of the vortex.
Description: While the user is in the powerful agile visage of the Double-Headed Wolf they use the power of the Double wolf fang and create a huge rapidly spinning drill. They then start to revolve around their target causing the wind and their own momentum to pick up and cause a funnel which quickly grows into a blue-white vortex made of rapidly churning winds capable of cutting the target. The winds from the vortex cause an updraft that will bring objects in towards the vicious storm.
Domain: Must be an Inuzuka, Must know Jinjū Konbi Henge: Sōtōrō (Man Beast Combination Transformation: Double-Headed Wolf), and Garōga (Double Wolf Fang)

[vegapunk]

* Before I get into the actual mechanic's of this technique I think you need to look around and investigate the rest of the jutsu on the site to see how your's should look, especially the Inuzuka clan and how their technique's are laid out regrading speed, rotation etc.

[/justify]

[Forsaken]

aside from words coming to mean really really fast im not coming up with many things from garoga or miroga and since this technique would be a version of those could you point out what im missing in that respect?

[vegapunk]

Well, for example, speed is usually based on a dominion technique. For Inuzuka it is probably the four-legged technique i.e depending on one's rank of that - that will determine the general speed on this technique. The special section of the jutsu template is crucial for putting the technical information such as Dynamic marking needs to be used on the target before this technique can be used. Technique wouldn't last three turns (it is a singular offensive strike) and for using it more times in a single thread it would need to be retrained, i.e something stated in the special. Or if this storm needs to 'rage' for more than turn you will need to make note of that and have an upkeep cost for the chakra. Range would also need to be fixed in either the special section (if it varies through the strike) or in the range section. How would this wind pick up so quickly without any fuuton presence - all in a single strike? Also mention the type of damage it causes in the special also.

However, in my opinion you are just starting out. There is no need for an S-rank custom when you wont be able to use it yet. By the time you can use it you will be more familiar with the site. Hope that helped. ^^

[/justify]

[Forsaken]

kk give me some time to re-work it sorry if I kinda just popped it out it was something I tried hard to work in at NFRP but it got denied even after I changed it for them.

thank you for the help and also since this is based off of garouga do I need to use all fours since garouga itself doesnt base itself off of it

[Forsaken]

kk redid it hopefully this works better

[chiatsuki]

[1] Vega brought up every point that I could think aside from a few:

• creates a vortex 15 meters wide capable of drawing in anything within 25 meters - This needs to be edited. Have it say 'Creates a vortex of 15 meters wide capable of drawing in anything within it's range. Retraining this technique will yield a bonus of +5 meters each time retrained for a maximum of 30.'
  
• Being that this technique is 'S' rank it needs to have a very high consumption with a high upkeep.
  
• Due to the massive speed of the spiraling winds and momentum, the user doesn't suffer from Garoga's drawback. - Take that out completely. This technique is definitely going to need the same drawback as garoga.

[Forsaken]

fixed

[chiatsuki]

1/3

[suzaku]

Increase the consumption cost by one tier; Very High is an applicable cost for S Rank abilities only when the jutsu is multi-tiered(requiring you to learn a d, c, b, a and s rank). As this technique is solely S Rank, the cost is Massive.

I am going to ask that you revert a change Sohyo suggested, however; this technique's previous intention was to create a vortex that could suck in a target not entirely within its center--changing it to say that it only does this to things within its 15 meter width is pointless, as they are obviously already within it. On top of this, I'm not comfortable with being able to retrain this and instantly have it as a 30 meter wide vortex—I'm much more content with having the 15 Meter Diameter that can draw in anything within 25 meters, as this gives much more leeway when dealing with the maneuver.

In other words, raise your consumption to Massive, and return the effect to 15 Meter Width + Suction on anything within 25 meters(this suction will be resistable with proper RP), and it will not be able to gain extra width with retraining.

[Forsaken]

fixed

[chiatsuki]

1/3

[~Kohana <3]

2/3

[vegapunk]

Some grammar and wording issues, but...

3/3. ^^