Behind Closed Doors. [P]

[Miku]

’What happened to my life..?’

I was sitting down on the grass by the lakeside looking at the ripples in the water for an answer. Everything that I had worked for my entire life seemed to be so bleak that I could not fathom staying in Kirigakure no Sato anymore. I felt trapped, again. My whole life was set up perfectly by my loving parents whom wanted nothing more than for me to become a well respected shinobi in our land. My life was “perfect.” I had the strongest Husband across the land, I was a Jounin, I had money, and any material good that I could possibly want, and yet it still was not enough for me.

I guess that is when I began to lose it all. Taking a deep drag from my cigarette, I began to stare at the ducks floating across the lake. Oh how I envied those aquatic birds. They can not only fly anywhere across the world anytime they chose, but they could also swim in the deep sea if they so desired. They literally had the best of both worlds, and here I was complaining about my drama-free life. I felt so useless. I did not have a purpose anymore. I guess I could always create a family, but that was not a priority for me.

And then there was Akira, my Husband whom I missed dearly. It has been so long since we’ve last spoke that I am not even sure if he is still around in Mist. After I finish this cigarette, hopefully I would have mustered up the courage to get back into the shinobi world and figure out what the hell has happened since I last vanished. My mind is still a bit unstable, and I do not even know if I can handle any social interaction with people -- but fuck it, eh? I have nothing else to lose.

[Nujabes]

"You threw it away."

I'm not sure what had drawn me to the pond-- a favorite place of Miku and I's when we were together --that day, whether it was instinct or fate. Whatever it was, I know that I am, in some shape or form, grateful. Despite the pain that seared through the scar on my chest, stabbing into my heart; despite the happiness of knowing that the woman I'd been ready to spend the rest of my life with was, in fact alive; in despite of it all, and all that problems that this encounter would undoubtedly cause me, I was grateful.

The words I'd chosen were sharp, and perhaps cruel, but the truth. I was prepared to make Miku my queen; to share all that I'd acquired with her, and. . . she abandoned me. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I was destined to fall in love with only one kind of woman. They all ended up being the same when it came down to it.

I was dressed casually, more so in workout clothes than anything. I was on my daily run when, again, some unknown force deviated me from my path and guided me here.

I kept my distance. "You had everything, Miku. And anything you didn't, we would have got for you -- together. Everything and anything, but it wasn't enough; you still threw it all away and abandoned me." I wasn't angry. I'd forgiven her years ago, just like I'd forgiven Kaoruko. There was no point in holding grudges - not when life was so terribly short.

My voice was incredibly dry. "Why have you come back? Closure?"

[Miku]

Impossible. While I was contemplating the words I would say to Akira and everyone else whom were dear to me when I saw them again, life decided to point and laugh in my face by sending him directly to me. I was not ready for this moment, but I supposed whether it was now or later it was bound to happen. I merely looked behind me to stare at his frame again. Oh how my eyes have missed this sight. The beauty of the one I loved most, Akira. He was still around Kirigakure no Sato, tall as ever and beautifully in shape. He must be doing a light work-out this morning like usual.

My stomach could not handle this emotionally traumatizing encounter. My head turned away slowly and looked straight ahead, fixated on the ducks again as they were floating on top of the lake’s surface. My body remained still. I figured that there was no reason to exert excessive energy to remedy this situation in my current state. Him and I knew each other well, so our words would have to suffice during this meeting. I began to pull in another long drag from my cigarette. I pouted when I noticed that it was now finished, my last drag. I flicked the cigarette bud off to the side into the grass.

I tried to focus on what he was saying, but the world just seemed too surreal to me. I did not know what to say, or how to say it to make him understand how I felt. Sometimes, we just make stupid mistakes. I do not know. I ruffled my bangs from away from my face as I tried to gather the correct words to speak to him. I opened my mouth, but I only released a soft sigh instead. My eyes fluttered open and closed frantically, and before I knew it my eyes were turning glossy. I turned my neck so my eyes could stare back at his—if he chose to look at me. I secretly prayed that he would.

My body had no more energy to give. I was at a low place. Conjuring up whatever remaining hope I had left, I would begin to speak. ”I do not know why I came back. I’ve been feeling ill, and I guess after feeling so sick for so long—you grow out of the pain.” I was not sure what I was really saying, but I knew it was how I had felt. ”Akira, you know I love you with all of my heart, body, and soul. I guess we had it so perfect, I wanted to see if we could still love each other from afar.” I was not sure if he would ever love me back, at least after my sudden disappearance, but I suppose I was going to find out. ”I understand if, you have found someone else in my absence. I do not want to fight with you, dear. I-“

My voice began to trail off; I just did not know what to say anymore. He and I know quite well that I was in the wrong, but he should be able to tell that I was in a state of absolute shit. If he chose to leave me, I would still be in a rotten place and I would have to suffer alone. I turned my face back towards the lake, just gazing out. He was right, I gave up on my life—so I could not imagine him wanting me now. I placed my arms around my knees, locking them neatly together and resting my chin on my arm. I was feeling defensive, lonely, and defeated. I guess, this is what makes life, life. I wanted some excitement, and now I lost it all.

"Akira, I'm sorry if I've put you through any pain."

[Nujabes]

I couldn't share the same sentiment.

Love from afar? Hadn't I shown her that during the Great War? There'd been countless missions that had separated us for months at a time, yet we always returned to each other. Honestly, it all sounded like bullshit. She didn't want to see if we could love each other from afar -- she was a coward. She was scared of letting herself be happy; scared of being with a man that would take care of her. She ran away from us. She abandoned me.

"I haven't found anyone." I gave a slight shrug. "You actually made me reconsider relationships for a while, Miku. They don't do anything but bring me pain. I think I was right to keep women at an arm's length-- you made me take that wall down. But in the end, you still had your own walls up."

"I'm not here for apologies or excuses, Miku. I forgave you a long time ago." Tilting my head, I watched her. "I made a promise to myself, when I became Mizukage, not to hold petty grudges. Regardless of how painful it was-- what you did to me --you clearly had your reasons for doing that. I can't hate you for that. Honestly, I'm just glad to know you're alive. I think that was what hurt the most; not knowing whether or not you'd been killed."

Turning to the side, I glanced over my shoulder. "I left you everything in the house. You're still welcome in Kirigakure."

Unless she had more to say, our reunion was coming to a close.

[Miku]

To be perfectly honest, I felt as though I would have been better off dead. That way, he would have understood why I was not around and I did not have to deal with any of these issues. I knew that self-loathing was not going to help this situation, but I could not help but feel like utter waste. However, I caused enough trouble for him and I did not want to be a burden anymore. I was nothing more than a liability, and deep down I really wanted to change. He shockingly told me that he became Mizukage, and with such a powerful position that he was in, I could tell that he had no time to exert on stuff like this. ”Thanks, Akira.” I had no idea what to do next, but I knew from his demeanor and word choice that he had moved on, despite not finding someone else.

I figured he would leave me soon to finish his work-out, but I just wanted to think about my next move a little while longer. I remained frozen by the lake, sitting on the grass and just pondering on the world. Everything that I had was now gone, and I literally had to rebuild my life and relationships that I once had. It was going to be a lot of work, but I was more determined than before to make it worth. I wanted something that would last. I wanted feelings in me that would not disappear after time elapsed. I did not know how to be happy, to be honest. And I was afraid of that concept in itself, but I guess if I wanted to change, I had to admit to myself that there was a change that I still needed.

I knew that even if things ended here between us, that this was not going to be the end. Looking at Akira, I’d smile and say to him, ”Mizukage, eh? Congratulations. I always knew you would be a fantastic leader. I suppose I’ll see you in the office sometime then.” I knew our relationship was rocky right now, if nonexistent at that—but we would still be bound to work with each other at some point in time. As much as I hated what I did, I did not want things to be awkward between us. But just as time had separated us, it could also build us back together. This time, it was my turn to put forth every ounce of strength that I had to make this work. Even if I did not succeed, I wanted to believe that I could if I tried.